Why Spanx Makes Me Feel Like A 3 Year Old

Okay I have gained weight since being diagnosed with Lupus. And when I say "gained weight" it's like 80 pounds of ugly weight. I am trying to get back into shape but medications have a lovely weight gain affect. So I of course sometimes use Spanx and I adore them.

With that being said...they make me feel like a 3 year old.

Remember when you were little and it would take forever to get into your snow pants, jacket, mittens and hat. By the time you put everything on, you were exhausted and you usually had to pee. So your mom would have to start the process all over again.

Last month I went out on the town. I decided to wear me some spanx. This process is daunting, first off if you call getting dressed a process...it's bad. I take a deep breath and decide which product I should use. Do I want to use the kind that smushes my leg fat and tummy fat or just the tummy fat?

I choose just the tummy smusher. I sit on the bed and start pulling them up, take a deep breath and get up. Now I am already tired. I jump up and down a little to try and get everything to smush in. Because jumping up and down totally works...yeah insert eye rolling here. 

I continue to jump up and down and try and get gravity to be my friend. That doesn't exactly work..so I decide laying on the bed would work much better. So I am exhausted by this point, I mean not just tired, but freakin' downright exhausted. Picture laying on your bed when you were a teenager trying to put those too tight jeans on. So that but with spanx that feel like they are 3 sizes too small. Don't worry though, the size 2 girl at the store assured me they are the right size. I manage to put everything where it should be and slowly try to get off my bed but remain in a vertical position. My rational is that if I remain vertical everything will stay all neat and tucked into place. I of course do not take into consideration that I will be horizontal all night anyway so instead of putting out my back, I should have just sat up like a normal person as opposed to a person doing the spanx limbo.

Yay they are on! But oh no my friends this is just the beginning. I now have to tuck them under my bra strap and try and hide any bumps they make. So I call in one of the girls to help me make sure everything is tucked in where it should be. I then have to put clothes over top of my smushed body. I feel like a can of the ready made biscuits ready to explode. I get dressed and I am feeling good. I look in the mirror and other than my extremely red face from all of the work it took to get dressed, I am kinda rockin' in my outfit.

I start to do my make up and it happens. I have to pee. I take a deep sigh, like so deep my nostrils hurt from the rush of air and slowly start to de-smush myself.

An hour later, I was ready to go.

Don't even get me started about having to go to the bathroom at the bar.